When You Realize This is It

When we were told that the Sutent was doing its job, we were also told that it is not going to cure Daddy, that there is no cure, that this cancer will kill him.

I partially take responsibility for how this news made Daddy feel, because since day one I had been drilling into his head that I would not let cancer take him away from me. I told him that we could and would beat this thing, that I had no doubt that survival was possible. What I didn't know, is that Daddy really believed me. When the doctor told him that there was no cure, and that all these medicines could do was elongate life, not guarantee it. A part of my father's spirit broke, I could see it on his face. As soon as the doctor left the room he began to tear up, Mom had already been crying, I sat between them and held one of each of their hands. There was nothing I could say, so I just sat there and let them cry.





Then Daddy turned to me and said, "did you think there was no hope? Did you think this was a death sentence?"

Now I can't help but getting tested up, what do I say? Yes Dad I've been lying to you? I just wanted you to stay positive? Instead at the time I thought it was a better idea to have him feel like I was right there with him in this moment of such emotion. I wanted to validate his feelings of helplessness, so I told him I still think that we will beat this thing and that I don't give a damn what doctors or statistics say, I refuse to have my Daddy stolen from me.

This seemed to calm and comfort him a little bit, but that was enough for me. The doctor came back in and gave us some new prescriptions to try for dealing with the side effects of the Sutent. We collected ourselves, and I convinced them to go out to lunch since we already had Daddy's wheelchair with us. We all enjoyed a stiff drink at Red Lobster with lunch, we all needed it. Then we went home and we all took long naps. When we woke up, we all pretended like we were fine again.


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