Thursday, September 26, 2013

What is God waiting for?

This past weekend, all the people most important in Daddys life came to visit him in the hospital. Saturday was a great day, Daddy even Gibbs slapped his niece, Jill. He was sassy and sarcastic, and himself. Sunday was so different, he didn't even open his eyes. Everyone left by Monday and then it was just us again. We tried to sleep in shifts so Daddy would never not have someone sitting at his side. Tuesday night, I sat up with Daddy until 4am, he just kept staring at me, trying to make facial gestures, trying to mouth words. I tried to understand what he was saying to me without him seeing that it was all frustrating for me.

I told him that everything was going to be okay, that I would make sure that Momma and my brother are taken care of, and that my fiance will take care of me. I told him that my wedding will still be a great time, that he will be with me, by my side the whole day. That he will get to see grandma and grandpa and nana and pa when he gets there, and his cousin Ronnie, and he can meet the Babe... And his all-time favorite Yankee, Thurman Munson, that his Heaven will be game seven of the World Series and he will be watching from behind home plate... I tried to convince him that everything would eventually be okay, that we will find some new kind of normal, but that I will always miss him... I will wake up every morning, still worrying about him, just like how I've woken up every day since December 2011. I will love him always and forever, no matter what. But he still hangs on, I don't know why...

We have been praying for God to take him away from us, because by doing that all of his pain will go with it. But ... He must be busy.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

No excuses

We are back in the hospital, and still people think it's okay to be petty and manipulative towards us about things that do not matter right now. Right now, what matters to us is making Daddy comfortable. Not who's pride is bruised today or not. Right now, we care whether or not Daddy's kidney is functioning enough to handle the fluids he needs to settle his spasms. We do not care who is not talking to who, or what anyone thinks about the decisions we have made. Right now, we are hurt by all of this because people are so ignorant, and that is me being nice---- i hope they're ignorant, because if they're not, then they are down right evil-----, while we are going through such a hard time. If people actually gave a damn, then they'd be here, or they'd check on us in some fashion. If you actually care about someone, you don't put unnecessary stress on someone when they are already at their breaking point because of cancer.


This past Saturday night, Daddy started to have some violent spasms in his head and neck and he could not control them, they became unbearable. I called 911, and they sent two EMTs... no offense to anyone who is in that line of work, but the ones around here are not big enough or strong enough to get my dad on a stretcher, and lift him down our stoop, and then up into the ambulance.... they're pretty out of shape actually... and I find that hypocritical in a way, you want to work to save peoples' lives, yet you don't take care of your own body? Anyways, they had to call in a firetruck full of guys to help them... Daddy is six and a half feet tall and almost 300 pounds... I told the dispatcher that... but anyways.

We got into a room in the ER... the same room we were in last time actually... and nurses got his spasms under control with fluids, which to me means that his electrolytes were out of whack, however, after being home his nutrition was impeccable, so something else must be off. His leg that has a filter in it for a pretty serious blood cot, is worse, both legs are so swollen, preventing him from supporting himself on his legs. He is now completely bedridden.... He is having trouble breathing and he has skin lesions (biopsied Friday but results werent back yet), so they admitted him to the hospital.

It is now Wednesday and nothing has gotten better.... his skin lesions are in fact the kidney cancer, his scans show that his cancer is in his fatty tissue, and it's running rampid all over his poor, tired body. We have been waiting for two days to move him to the big hospital in the city where his oncologist is, because there is not a bed available. The oncologists at our local town hospital refuse to treat him, so he is wasting away... He is uncomfortable and has issues breathing and he cannot get out of bed anymore. I am realizing that whichever way it goes, it sucks... cancer sucks. Either he keeps fighting and keeps suffering, or he passes and we are forced to live our lives without him. The man that has been in my life since I took my first breath, could leave my life at any minute ... it's scary as Hell, in fact, I am more scared of losing him than I am of facing the fires of Hell. I am. So, it's scarier than Hell. My mother will fall apart, she puts on a good game face, but she will fall... She will have to accept responsibilities that she is not comfortable accepting, and unfortunately, I am too used to accepting those responsibilities for her when I can, I make ways and force ways to make things easier on her, so this reality will hit her harder because of me doing that, which sucks too... But I won't be able to accept responsibilities for her anymore, I am starting my own family on black Friday when I marry the love of my life, I joined Americorps and my contract year starts the end of this month... I will no longer have the time in the day to do all that I have been doing for her.... and my brother does not have the emotional or physical capacity to pick up where I am leaving off for her, he just doesn't.

But no longer will all of that be hard, but it will be rough just waking up and not looking forward to seeing my Daddy that day... not worrying about him anymore.... not making him lunch and changing his wound dressings and watching him sleep. I will miss it all... I will miss the way he laughs at Rules of Engagement.... I will miss how when I wake up he starts singing the Miss America Pageant theme song, I will miss so many things... I don't want to miss these things... but I don't want him to stay in his earthly body any longer than he wants to... he's fought such a good fight, he deserves to die, he does. And his death will not be defeat, it will be the ultimate EFF YOU KIDNEY CANCER, he will finally win... yes, I said WIN, because this disease will no longer be defeating him each day, his body has chosen to say NO, you will not torture me any longer. He will find peace... he will walk right into Heaven, my grandma and grandpa and his cousin Ronnie will be there to greet him, and then he will hear my Nana.... :BullSHIT, what're you doing here?!" <3

Friday, September 6, 2013

To Find Peace

When Daddy was first diagnosed, I reached out to a few kidney cancer support groups. These groups have given me some very special people who now play important roles in my life. One is my friend, E. E is a mother, but she is still a daughter. A daughter to a woman with kidney cancer. Her mother was such a strong woman, fighting this cancer with all she could, until she couldnt anymore. She decided that hospice was the right decision for her, she knew her end was near. Cancer makes loved ones go through the longest goodbyes possible... We wake up knowing that each day could be their last, but we have to grin and bear it because we don't want them to focus on death. We want them to be happy in all the ways they can be, considering. Being a child of someone with cancer is a very hard job to have... And the job isn't over when our parents finally find their peace, because we have to go on. And E, she will go on, she will pick herself up and be reinforced in strength knowing that her mother is no longer suffering, she has found her peace.


Just Sleeps

All Daddy does lately is sleep. I get to the house around 11am each day and leave around 4pm, that whole time, he is asleep except if I am forcing him to eat something... Because he isn't eating much lately at all.

Im not really sure how to feel about this, this is what my Pa called, wilting. He said that people wilt until they die. They sleep, they sleep, and sleep, and usually shrink to nothing. I know Daddy is going to die, but I just wish me making all this effort to be at his bedside meant that I at least for to talk to him, not just watch Netflix as he sleeps.

The only comfort I am taking in all of this is that at least he doesn't feel as alone as he used to because he is asleep, he's not sitting around bored out of his mind. Also, I hope he passes away peacefully in his sleep, he deserves that. He deserves the best.

Monday, September 2, 2013

No appetite

Since this whole last episode began, the fall and the throwing up blood... In the hospital, Daddys appetite was scarce, however if we brought him outside food he seemed to eat a bit more. In the nursing home, I never saw him eat a full meal. Even if we brought outside food, he wouldn't finish a burger, or would only want one slice of pizza. We would leave him sweets and treats, and he wouldn't touch them :-/ this is not like him at all, what so ever. Since he has been home, same thing... Barely eats, barely wants to eat. I don't like it... It scares me that his body doesn't want the food anymore because it knows it's shutting down :(