He's Home :)

Tuesday evening we brought Daddy home from the nursing home. He hasn't gotten out of bed since then... He hasn't eaten much. He hasn't smiled yet... It aches my heart all the way through my chest to see him like this. The nursing home couldnt even get his discharge done correctly. It took four calls back and forth to get his medications called into our pharmacy... So he went two full days without! Insanity. And then they have the balls to call his cell phone, when my mom and I are points of contact on every single form and I was the one who signed his discharge forms, and to ask him if his discharge to home went okay. WHAT?! I'm just happy to say that our insurance company, a huge insurance company, has filed a claim against the nursing home and is conducting an investigation based on our complaints and they will no longer be sending any patients there.

Being Discharged Next Week

We had a care plan meeting today, where someone from each department of the nursing home was present, we did not recognize half of them. They tried to make the meeting all about Daddy's potential discharge next Tuesday, little did they know that my mother and I had planned a bit of a sneak attack...they really should have seen it coming. Mom wrote up a whole list of concerns we have had with the care Dad has received, because it has been AWFUL! I added to it, she made copies, and I took over the meeting... the nurse manager tried to welcome us to the meeting and make nice with us, I just stood up and asked what everyone's job titles were, i heard case manager, she got a copy, i heard nursing administration, she got a copy, and then my third copy went to the nursing manager who was sitting right next to me. I sat down and asked them to go over every concern listed on that paper, explain why it occurred to begin with, why it hasn't been fixed yet (because if it had we still wouldn't be complaining about it at this point), and how they intend on righting their wrongs. They barely had any answers, and sometimes they just looked at me because there was no right answer to what I was asking... because they are failing their patients.

Why were his oncologist's orders for medication ignored?
Why has Dad NEVER seen ANY doctor during his ENTIRE stay here?
Why does he not have a wheelchair that he fits in? is comfortable in?
Why do his techs leave his urinal out of his reach? he is on a diuretic, it;s a miracle he hasn't wet himself!
Why is the food unrecognizable?
Why hasn't Dad received PT on the weekends? I mean, it is the only true reason we wanted him at a rehab facility anyhow!!??!?!?!?!

AHHHHHHH SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank the Lord that he has been approved to come home next Tuesday!!! it can't come soon enough!!!!!!!

I cant

I've reached the point where I can't carry everyone else's burdens anymore. I can't handle the crap anymore, I cant tiptoe around feelings or sensitivities, my heart can't handle the levels of stress I've been carrying around anymore. I can't take the blame and responsibility for family members who can't pull their own weight anymore, I do the work of a dozen people because of others' laziness and bullshit. I can't run my own errands and household and my parents' at the same time. Just because it's difficult to find time to do things does not make it okay to put all of your responsibilities into someone else. Just because I can sometimes find the time to help out above and beyond should not mean that I have to accept that above and beyond responsibility all the time. I may be 23, but I am not a parent and shouldn't have to be.

All nursing homes are disgusting

Our experiences with nursing homes have been awful. The only reason Daddy has been in one is because he needed the physical therapy. The last one in Baltimore City would let patients sit in their dirty diapers to the point that the entire facility smelt like urine. This place, is not much better. It's small, Daddy doesn't fit anywhere, and they don't have any wheel chairs big enough for him so he doesn't get to sit up enough to relieve his pressure sores on his back because sitting in a chair too small is too uncomfortable for him. This place NEVER cleans out his bedside commode properly, just pieces of fecal matter floating in water next to his bed! How gross! They take FOREVER to respond to his call bell, and never do any job 100%. I just don't understand, why work in a facility like this if you don't care about your patients? The nurses and doctors here are terrible at communicating with his oncologist. His mediciations still aren't being given to him to his oncologist's standards. So Daddy suffers... Also, they still hsvent approved his chemo medicine when he was supposed to start it over the weekend, so we may or may not be sneaking it in to him every day. It will be a cold day in Hell when my mother and I let his tumors keep growing because the incompetency of this nursing home has yet to get his chemo to him.

To top it all off, yesterday I came in to find him not clothed in bed. He asked his tech to get him a different pair of pants from the closet because the ones she picked were too tight for his swollen legs. She took that to mean that he didn't want to get dressed?!?!?!?! How freaking ridiculous, and he is too nice to demand a supervisor to talk to, so I did. Got him a new tech and filed a complaint against the old one. How does that even happen? Oh! And his breakfast AND lunch were both an hour late because she couldn't find his tray, it was on top of the lunch cart instead of inside it. Holy crap... Never let your loved go to a nursing home funded by insurance, only out of pocket, yes it sucks for your wallet, but it's better than them being humiliated and treated like crap. If Daddy didn't NEED the every day physical therapy, I'd take him straight home.

Need to vent

I need to vent about family. I do not understand nor will I ever hurt my brain trying to understand why some, well, most of our family has not come to see Daddy since he has been sick. Now that he is reaching the end of his battle it is seriously starting to piss me off. It's not like he has reached the end quickly, it has been since 2011.... Years, surely in years you can easily plan a trip to Maryland. Even for a weekend. It is not like it's hard to plan, at all! Even if it's not spent with Daddy the whole time, there's plenty of sites to see and things to do and God forbid you should support my mother, she's only flesh and blood. I just know that if roles were reversed, I would make a trip to see my dying family member, Hell, I'd even do it multiple times. Driving hours away doesn't phase me, but I guess family means more to me than to others.

But they will have regret that I will never have. I will not ever have regret, because I enjoy the ones I love, no matter what. I make time for them, I support them with more than a monthly phone call. And when my loved ones pass away, I go on knowing that I helped them celebrate life. They will not have this peace of mind, and knowing that is the only thing keeping me from slapping them all hard across the face.

Blood is thicker than water is what "they" say, I say actions speak more than any words could.

I think he knows

I think Daddy know that he's reaching the end of his battle... The other day at the hospital as I was buttering his roll that came with lunch, he asked me, "have you thought about who's going to walk you down the aisle kiddo?" I didn't really think he was of the frame of mind to even think about it. But when I suggested having my Uncle Kevin push Daddy is in wheelchair down the aisle, Dads reaction was not good. He said he doesn't want to be on display, which is why he never want to sit outside in the front yard. He thinks everyone will just stare at him, he doesn't realize that even though people look at him with heavy hearts, they also admire him. He's a hero not only in my eyes, but to many others.

Today is his last day of radiation to the lesion on his cerebellum, you would think his mood would be better than it is. His mood is awful today, short, snippy, hasn't even looked me in the eye. But again, I think it's because he knows the cancer is winning. Not only has it spread to his brain, but with feeling lightheaded and throwing up blood and being in the hospital, getting all the different tests done, his body is starting to give up. His kidney is trying it's hardest, but is not up to par. He is retaining fluid in his legs and side that make him even more uncomfortable than ever. And he knows that since radiation finishes today, he will soon be discharged to a nursing facility... He hates it. I hate it even more. I don't want my Daddys last hours to be in a dingy dirty nursing home with awful room mates and crap food. He deserves to be home... With us. But since it hurts for him to stand and all of his other issues and insurance won't cover for a nurse to be at our house all the time... We don't have a choice.

I, a person who is healthy and runs and walks and eats whenever I want, feel helpless. I can't even begin to imagine how helpless Daddy feels...  I love being able to see him every day and tell him I love him, but cancer has made it so that every day, my heart breaks into too many pieces for me to pick up.