Friday, November 30, 2012

Never Knew What Pure Agony Looked Like Before

I am writing today because I don't feel like crying anymore. Maybe if I just type out all of my emotions, then the tears will stay where they belong. I just put together and cleaned up dinner for my parents and as Daddy went back to bed, I had to hold my breath so my emotions wouldn't come out. Getting into bed usually brings him some pain and discomfort, so I try to help him when I can. But just now, it took almost twenty minutes for him to get comfortable and for the pain to subside. Lifting his legs up into the bed made him let out yells of pain that I have never heard from him before. Leaning back onto the mattress brought just this sound of complete agony out of him, and it just did not subside. "Holy Hell", and "Oh my God." and ughhh.... I had to walk out of the room to catch myself from just falling into a ball and crying.

Today was his last day of his 4th round of Sutent. The pain should not be this bad at the end of a chemo cycle, it should be better!! Scans are schedules for Wednesday morning and I am not looking forward to the news they bring, this sudden increase in pain can only mean one thing to me, the tumors are growing again. I feel sick to my stomach just typing those words. The next 5 days are going to be nothing but stress and emotions until the results of the new scans are given to us, but at this rate, I don't even want to know what they'll say. If it's bad news, then the doctors might as well just not tell us because I don't want to have to look at Daddy and differently or treat our lives any differently than we already do. This sucks.

My parents are both literally falling apart... Momma went back to work yesterday after finding out that she now has shingles over the weekend. She though it was getting better, but shingles had a different idea. She had to stay home from work today, in some pretty awful pain. She was able to come down for dinner, but then went right back up to bed to take some more pain medication. Both of my parents are just in constant pain at this point and I just cannot handle it, not even a little bit. Plus, my mom is dealing with her father, my Pa, being hospitalized right now. They won't let him go home because his heart beat keeps fluttering. And her little brother, my favorite uncle, was advised by his precinct's doctor to stay home from work until next week with a very serious case of bronchitis. The Irish superstition is that bad things come in mom, her dad, her brother, all get sick at once... I will never doubt this superstition ever again.

Well, the point of this post was successful, no tears for me. I still can't breath with ease but I'm sure I'll calm down eventually... actually probably not until Wednesday.

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