I have never written a blog before, but I think that this might help me to cope with what has been going on in my life. If someone could benefit from my experience, it would make my pain worth living through. The fight against cancer is one that needs everyone supporting one another.
For readers, this blog is written chronologically, if you would like to read the blog from the beginning, the first post is on Wednesday June 27th, 2012. Thank you :)
Friday, October 19, 2012
Sometimes I fall asleep in the chair next to Daddy's hospital bed in our living room, and when I wake up I think we are back in his hospital room at the very first hospital. Ya know, the hospital where a spinal surgeon told me mother that my Daddy would be dead in a month... Yeah.. That place. And sometimes I wish I was there, but with all the knowledge I have now. I'd know just what to say and just what to so, but I know I could never relive that day again. I've been preparing for the end for so long now, that I don't know how else to be. It's weird being able to say out loud, "he'd be in a better place." Watching his pain, watching his anger... The only reason now that I am still being selfish and wanting him to stay with us is for my Momma... She will be so lost without him. She's probably be able to keep their house, but she would have to drop at least half of their bills, and my brother would have to start earning his keep. Momma will definitely be depressed for a lot longer than I will be too, she has not handled things so well lately but I can't blame her. Our governor wants to outsource part of her employee base, her son is not supportive of her in any fashion, her daughter tries but still can't do enough, and she has to watch her husband whither away to nothing. She has to sleep in their bed every night, and only sleeps on her side. She has to sleep knowing that Daddy is trapped downstairs in his hospital bed and can't do much other than go to the bathroom on his own. She has to sleep knowing that when she wakes up, she has to quietly walk downstairs so she doesn't wake Daddy, leave him breakfast on his table, and sneak out to work. She works so hard... Comes home exhausted... I really think she could very well fall apart when Daddy goes, and I am just not strong enough to pick her up. It's weird, not wanting Daddy to get better for me, but wanting him to get better for her. I wish that doctor had never told us that this wasn't curable... I wish we all still had as much hope as we used to... But that just wouldn't be practical, like I said... I've been preparing for the end for so long now, I don't know how else to be.
I love my Daddy. Ill love him every day he is with me on this earth, and ill love him every day he is with me in my heart.