Sunday, June 21, 2015

New Way of Life

My last post was this day last year, which was my first Father's Day without my Daddy. I wish I could say that I truly felt any kind of emotion that day, or say that I had even started to grieve his death at that point. Truthfully, I made my own mess and found myself on a roller coaster of ups and downs that eventually ended with me flying off the ride and having to admit that I am indeed an addict, I suffer from the disease of addiction. Instead of dealing with my Daddy's death. even a little bit, my mind innately shuts all forms of feeling off so that I am in a numb state of autopilot. I would then use chemicals, substances, people, places, and things; anything to make my state of numbness become fun for even a short amount of time. I've been through Hell and back again since the last time I posted... and I am grateful for my journey.

Today, my mind still innately went numb, but I had times that emotion broke through. "Progress, not perfection." I just keep telling myself how proud he must be of me, as long as I keep doing the next right thing. I know that all he ever wanted for me, was for me to be happy; and with every passing day, I just get happier and happier. I don't think anything, or anyone, is worth losing what I have right now.

My Daddy was a man of routine, of integrity, of simplicity. I can clearly see his face when I close my eyes, I can hear his laugh within me as I laugh, I can feel his love in everything I do. He is with me. He never asked for much, and always thought that he was burdening us with his needs, when in reality everything I ever did to care for him... I never gave any of it a second thought because I just wanted to be with him, and anything I could do to extend his life here on earth, I was going to do it. Today, I am willing to do the same thing for myself.

I am loving this new way of life.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Father's Day

My first father's day without my father...

What a freaking weird statement to say, it just doesn't feel real. I can simply close my eyes and see him smiling at me and know that where ever his spirit is, he is watching over me. I know that he has been with me lately as I work through some big life changes within myself, learning about myself. This probably won't ever get any easier, but I will just keep trying.

Miss him so SO much.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Cancer Changes You

I have finally gotten to the point in my grieving process that I can reflect on my journey and on my successes, and one big thing that comes from this clarity is that I can be honest with myself about my belief system--- because it has changed immensely. I can now own my new beliefs and be confident in the why's and how's and be happy with where I am and who I am now.

About a year before Daddy was diagnosed, I went through some crazy shit in my life that almost ruined me, this is when I first started doubting God and the faith I had been raised with. Before then, I was raised Roman Catholic and went to church every week with my mother and brother. So when Daddy was diagnosed, I already had doubts--- they just became more real. Now I believe in the rotation of the earth, and the ever changing state of life. Nothing else is permanent in this life, anything can change at any point in time, it doesn't matter what you think or how hard you want to believe in something, it can literally change and become something completely different at any point. I believe in second chances, and in forgiveness when it is deserved. I believe in the trying to take advantage of every second of life, of being present in each passing moment, never letting a second go by without being thankful for this life. I breathe in and out and I wake up in the morning, and I know that there is meaning to this life, whenever I find what exactly my meaning is... but no rush, I am determined to enjoy the ride. I believe in doing no harm to others, in lifting up people in need---even a stranger on the street. Nothing is more important in life than making others happy, but without forgetting to make yourself happy. At the end of the day, we are all going to leave this earth, and I don't want to have any regrets, I don't want to have any experiences passed by or chances not taken. Gambling on new experiences can have consequences, but I would much rather deal with the consequences than the regret of not trying to begin with. I want to be old and in my rocking chair and be able to say that I lived my life to the fullest I could with the cards I was dealt. I believe too many people go through life trying to make some perfect life, live up to some standard, when none of that matters... the only thing that matters is being able to do the things that make you smile. Life is unfair, the fact that cancer exists is a reiteration of this fact. No point in being angry at it, it is what it is, sure a cure might be in our species future, and it might not, deal with all the struggles that life throws at you head on---show life no mercy---it's yours to make, not the other way around.

Don't count the days, make the days count.

My Daddy taught me this, he didn't start living it until he was sick, but his battle showed me that you can't wait until it's too late, you have to live by this every day--- or you will find yourself grabbing for it, too little too late. I can't bring him back, but I promise that I will live by this, live through this, live in the moment, every second of every day. Until I get to join him in whatever afterlife there may be, and if/when I do, I will be able to hug him, say thank you, and honestly tell him that I did it, I survived, I conquered, I lived.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Numb lately

It's been ever increasing, this sense of no senses... Numb. Lately the only things I can feel are when I am in physical pain or when I am hungry or tired... No other emotions, unless someone happens to make me laugh. I can only imagine it's this never ending process of grief changing who I am again. It seems like every time I get through one hurdle and adapt, another one comes along ... It's scary to say but I am actually rethinking a lot about my life now because I'm not the same person I was almost 3 years ago when Daddy was diagnosed, I'm not even the same person I was 8 months ago when he died, I'm learning to know this new person, but I wish I had the opportunity and the freedom to truly explore her the way I'd like to... To escape from life for a while, spread my wings and learn to fly on my own once again, just to know that I'm strong enough to do so, to just breathe.

I actually wrote my first poem in over a year today, think I'll post it here tomorrow though, if you follow me on Facebook you will find it there :)

Be well.