Saturday, March 9, 2013


Soon, Daddy will leave me, us. I know it's selfish to think in such ways, but I don't want him to leave me... I want to hold him in all his pain and all his discomfort, just hold his frail and limp body I don't care if I have to spoon feed him... I'd rather have my daddy with me than imagine not having him...
My Daddy has been such a big par of my life, I played basketball because of him, I played baseball because of him, I played softball because he exhausted his opposition to the Rec counsel but they made me change from baseball to softball because my body became too girly, but he still taught me everything about the sport I needed to know and then some. He's always supported me. Even when he saw me in handcuffs and stripes, he told me he loved me and that everyone makes mistakes and that he would make everything okay.
I just have a feeling now, the Sutent isn't working anymore... And I don't care anymore about who knows about my past because it has made me the person I am today and this person makes my daddy proud of me, so I am therefore proud of me.
He was right, everything is okay, because he stood by me... And what hurts the most now is that no matter how strongly I stay by him, I can't tell him the same, I can't tell him everything will be okay, because I know it won't be. He's in pain constantly, no matter what the movement he tries to make, there's a tumor in whatever bone he tries to use, and it Hurts him so much that I have to help lift his legs into bed he can't do it himself....
And it's selfish again, but I want him for my own benefit, I need his guidance and his support, I don't know what I'll do without it... I don't know where my God is anymore... He helped me through so much already, just to have me go through this? That doesn't make any sense... If he loved me he'd let me Daddy be okay, he'd let me keep my guidance and support and unconditional fatherly love... It pains me to say it, but I haven't heard back from God in months. We are now worse than ever, what about my little brother who still needs guidance? What about my mother? She's gone thru too much already... What about what we need what I need ... I don't care how selfish it sounds I just want to keep my Daddy. My rock


Thursday, March 7, 2013

For Some Reason

For some reason lately, EVERYTHING I hear or watch on radio or tv just screams CANCER. Country songs... Hell any love song. Tv shows and movies, I find myself double checking to make sure there's no mention of cancer before daddy and I watch it because I don't want to upset him or myself. I saw a poem on Pinterest, Walk Along Side Me Daddy... My eyes are still full of tears and I'm just trying really hard not to blink so that they don't fall down my cheeks. Watching daddy be in so much pain lately has just led me be such an emotional wreck. I either sleep too much or barely at all, either way having zero energy. I honestly have no idea how I'm comprehending my coursework, let alone forming functional thought sequences for day to day tasks... I HATE THIS. WHY MY DAD. WHY HIM WHY IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. I just want him to be able to sleep in the positions he wants, without the tumor inside his sternum causing him so much pain.... :(:(:(

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Missing Scan Day

Today should've been the next set of scans for Daddy. A snowstorm prevented us from getting out this morning. And watching Daddy being in so much pain has been killing me. With every move he makes, he is in excruciating pain... I just want to take all of his pain away ... Even if I had to bear it instead. I know that whenever we do get his scans done, that it is not going to be good news. When I try to be optimistic and tell him that people with his amount of cancer can live for years and years with chemotherapy... He tells me if he continues to be in pain and bedridden, that he doesn't want to live for years and years... My heart breaks. However, the optimism can't stop, he needs it as much as we do.