Chemo Buys Time, But At A Price

The first chemo Daddy was on was a weekly infusion (hour long or more process). We didn't have very many side effects except that he was noticeably week. With the chemo he is on now, it is a cyclic dose of a daily pill. Four weeks on and two weeks off. Weeks one and two go by okay, weeks three and four are horrible. This round was the worst. He broke out in what the doctor called a Sutent Rash, acne like you would not believe, and everywhere. The chemo mouth sores we have become accustomed to are so bad that Momma had to blend her chicken soup up so that Daddy could just drink it. He says that even drinking water hurts. On top of everything, Daddy has shingles now. I have never seen something so awful. His shingles are open wounds and blisters, a ten inch by six inch wound on his back, that decreases in width slightly as it works it's way around to his belly button. I've been cleaning these wounds and bandaging them every day. It doesn't bother me, what bothers me is how uncomfortable Daddy is even to sit up in his wheel chair. And today I saw why, the tumor on his sternum has grown since I last noticed it. The feeling of sickness and sadness that hits your stomach when you can see a tumor protruding through someone's skin... It's almost unbearable. But of course I can't show this emotion because I need to finish Daddy's bandages. I use saline, clyndamycin, and a poison ivy lotion with a pain reliever in it. I put down non stick gauze, and ultra absorbent sanitary napkins for when the wounds ooze, and more gauze. The tape is the worst part, we found the most gentle tape we could but it still irritates his skin and I hate pulling it off every time I change his bandages. Then pulling his shirt on in just a way so that not to disturb the bandages. Whenever I help Daddy like this, he gets this look in his eyes, helplessness. That's the part about this disease that I believe is really killing him. He can't have pride anymore, because it would get in the way of us helping him. He is completely at our mercy and it has broken him, that look on his face... He's so miserable. Is chemo worth it's price?




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