My last post was this day last year, which was my first Father's Day without my Daddy. I wish I could say that I truly felt any kind of emotion that day, or say that I had even started to grieve his death at that point. Truthfully, I made my own mess and found myself on a roller coaster of ups and downs that eventually ended with me flying off the ride and having to admit that I am indeed an addict, I suffer from the disease of addiction. Instead of dealing with my Daddy's death. even a little bit, my mind innately shuts all forms of feeling off so that I am in a numb state of autopilot. I would then use chemicals, substances, people, places, and things; anything to make my state of numbness become fun for even a short amount of time. I've been through Hell and back again since the last time I posted... and I am grateful for my journey.
Today, my mind still innately went numb, but I had times that emotion broke through. "Progress, not perfection." I just keep telling myself how proud he must be of me, as long as I keep doing the next right thing. I know that all he ever wanted for me, was for me to be happy; and with every passing day, I just get happier and happier. I don't think anything, or anyone, is worth losing what I have right now.
My Daddy was a man of routine, of integrity, of simplicity. I can clearly see his face when I close my eyes, I can hear his laugh within me as I laugh, I can feel his love in everything I do. He is with me. He never asked for much, and always thought that he was burdening us with his needs, when in reality everything I ever did to care for him... I never gave any of it a second thought because I just wanted to be with him, and anything I could do to extend his life here on earth, I was going to do it. Today, I am willing to do the same thing for myself.
I am loving this new way of life.
