Thursday, May 29, 2014

Numb lately

It's been ever increasing, this sense of no senses... Numb. Lately the only things I can feel are when I am in physical pain or when I am hungry or tired... No other emotions, unless someone happens to make me laugh. I can only imagine it's this never ending process of grief changing who I am again. It seems like every time I get through one hurdle and adapt, another one comes along ... It's scary to say but I am actually rethinking a lot about my life now because I'm not the same person I was almost 3 years ago when Daddy was diagnosed, I'm not even the same person I was 8 months ago when he died, I'm learning to know this new person, but I wish I had the opportunity and the freedom to truly explore her the way I'd like to... To escape from life for a while, spread my wings and learn to fly on my own once again, just to know that I'm strong enough to do so, to just breathe.

I actually wrote my first poem in over a year today, think I'll post it here tomorrow though, if you follow me on Facebook you will find it there :)

Be well.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Life has changed

Seems ridiculous to say, but after 8 months without my father I actually feel stronger today than I ever have before. My mother and brother are still working out their kinks of how to survive without him, but me, I'm okay. I really am, I get it now, I know how I want to live my life and whatever comes from that is just fine by me... Because I will know that I have lived it to my fullest. My Daddy tried not to comment on the things he wished he could've done before he got sick, but when he would, I just made mental notes to myself, to remind me to reevaluate my life values when ever I felt comfortable enough to own them... And now I think I am. I know that I never want to have regrets, I never want to have a chance I didn't take, I never want to pass up an experience that could be incredible. If that means negative repurcussions than so be it, that's the way of the world, but I will be happy and know that I lived as much as I possibly could. I need to travel, that takes $$$, but maybe one day I'll be able to... I want to see the world and meet new people and grab life. I don't want to just walk through life anymore, I want to experience it, truly experience it. Watching my father whither away at the age of 56 was just so incredibly awful, and I survived that right? There's no way I can't survive anything else life throws at me. Just my rant for today... I could go on for hours but I won't lol.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

haven't written in months....

I apologize to any readers who have been disappointed that I have not written since Valentine's Day. I have been trying really hard to keep myself busy and pushing forward over the past 8 months. Today I felt the need to blog in order to get through this day. I have felt my father's presence a lot lately, encouraging me and guiding me, letting me know that I am making the right choices for myself, no matter what others may think. I can see him in my dreams and feel him in my heart---sometimes weighing it down and sometimes lifting it up. I am just so baffled today, but how I ever made it this far. I honestly have no idea where the strength has been coming from, I still doubt myself every day, I know that at any point my knees could buckle under me and I could fall to the ground in complete pain and sadness. Somehow I have managed to wake up, work, workout, sleep, repeat... sometimes with some fun and relaxation included too which is a miracle at times... I'm amazed. Then there are other days, like today, where I could feel the sadness that the 27th of the month brings, since mid last week, where other months it's just a thought when I see the date. Today it's much more, and I just keep telling myself that if I can get through the day, and get to my pillow, that everything will be alright.