Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Never Actually Concentrating

When your life is nothing but chaos and emotional craziness, being pulled in every direction by everyone, you are never actually concentrating on anything. I just took notes on three chapters worth of textbook material, but was thinking about how tired my dad looks and was listening to my little brother cook his lunch. I have no idea what I just took notes on because I was worrying about both of them. My brother will kill himself with food, he does nothing but sleep and eat, and he doesn't want to change because if he did he has had so many opportunities to do so. Every time I am at my parents house he is either sleeping, eating, or leaving. He never spends time here, has to be forced to help at all, I understand that this is his emotional reaction to everything but it has been over a year and all he has done is gotten closer to killing himself with food. He eats more calories and fat in a day than I do in 4 days. I can't help but worry when he steps into the kitchen. Then, Daddy is exhausted because he just finished a round of chemotherapy and it knocks him out. He has a week and a half more before he has to start the next round. He is still bruised from last months blood draws, his pain and stiffness gets worse every day. I haven't been able to actually calm down and have a rational thought in so long that I don't know if I can anymore. Autopilot is how I've gotten this far, it'll be a miracle if I make it through this semester. I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.

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Friday, January 11, 2013

The Same Old Thing

We've entered a rut. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I'd take a rut with Daddy still here over excitement with him gone any day. As if I don't already feel bad for him, I feel worse. I'm working now and have just started the hardest semester of my life, I barely get to see him... Sometimes I can't be there to make him lunch until almost two o'clock and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Being alone cannot be good for his depression, or his health in general. I know that he hates feeling like an inconvenience, but if I had my way I'd be with him all day long. I wish.. Now he does the same thing every day. Wake up, watch Netflix, fall back asleep, wake up, take chemo, eat cereal, watch Netflix, maybe go pee, check baseball message boards and newsfeeds, hopefully have me make him lunch, fall back asleep, wake up, maybe get up to go to the bathroom, go through agony to get up out of bed and to get back into it, get comfortable, fall back asleep, be woken up by mom coming home, get up to the kitchen for dinner, back to bed, and back to sleep... Then he wakes up multiple times a night and watches Netflix or reads... I'd go insane, I truly would... I have no idea how he does it, but witnessing it jades me. Watching him go through everything has really jaded me... There are certain feelings now that I just cannot possess, other ones I cannot handle, and many that I interpret completely differently now. I will never get that back, and my loved ones are hurting because of it. I can't be there for them like I should because I literally can't. Those emotions cannot exist in me. I am working towards a new normal, but this will be a long journey. For now, ill just struggle to be with Daddy as much as I can and accompany him through the same old things, while trying to treasure them.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone