Thursday, January 23, 2014


Monday's usually suck as it is, but this Monday (even though I will be in FL), will suck even more.
Why is that? ... it will mark 4 months.

4 whole months.

I don't even know how so much time has passed, it feels like I blinked... yet every time I truly do blink, I can see my father's smiling face. I can literally hear his voice without even concentrating. I pray that this never changes... my mother has yet to cancel his phone line because we want to be able to call his voicemail and hear "Hi this is Gregory Lehnert, I am not able to answer the phone right now, please leave a message and I will get back to you." I can't explain why, it is just comforting.

4 months.

I've never been away from either of my parents for that long, ever.
This just isn't getting any easier, and I can't fathom how people find people find true happiness after a piece of their being dies, gone forever.

This weekend I will be on my mini honeymoon with my wonderful husband, a much needed distraction and vacation. I just wish I could say that the happiness I'll experience this weekend will continue when I return.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I don't know

I don't know how I'm ever going to be truly "okay" again, when everything I see and do makes me think of my Daddy. Literally, everything. My brother the other day brought home Daddy's favorite donuts and it wasn't until he got home that he remembered he isn't here anymore, just habit I guess but wow... I feel like no matter how much time goes by, I'm really never going to be okay with any of this.

Its' not okay that the doctors didn't find the cancer until it was too late, when now we know his previous signs should have been further investigated.

It's not okay that the first surgeons said surgery was impossible.

It's not okay that Daddy had to endure all of that pain, what did he ever do to deserve that?

It's not okay that my mom is left alone to deal with never ending bills and heartache from my brother.

It's not okay that my father didn't get to see me on my wedding day.

None of this is okay.

None of it, so how can I ever be at peace with it all?

I just can't comprehend how the past almost 4 months have even happened, like, what were we even doing? I must have an autopilot switch that I know nothing about. I honestly just can't understand what I;m supposed to do, when everywhere I turn is a reminder. I don't try to think about him, I just do, it cannot be stopped.

I can only pray that my future will be easier, because I really don't think I could handle anymore heartbreak. I don't think my mother or brother could either.

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, it's from one of my favorite bands from growing up, the Ataris.
This song is just so perfect, The Hero Dies in This One.

As I leave here today, apartment 108
I'll always keep you in my heart.
Anderson is cold tonight,
The leaves are scattered on the ground.
I miss the seasons,
And the comfort of your smile.

Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.

As I look out at these fairgrounds,
I remember how our family split apart.
I don't think I ever told you,
But I know you always did your best.
And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you, 
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

Do you ever feel like crying?
Do you ever feel like giving up?
I raise my hands up towards the sky,
I say this prayer for you tonight,
Because nothing is impossible.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you, 
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

(The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who we are.)

Stay who you are.
You must go on.
Stay who you are. [x4]

It's so hard to stay true to myself, when half of who made me isn't on this earth any longer.
The last day of my honeymoon is the 27th of this month, it will mark 4 months since he has been gone, it just leaves me at a loss for words for the emotions I experience each day.

"So maybe now you finally know"

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Writing before I forget

I am writing this before I forget. I just woke up from a dream and I don't want to miss any of the details.

I was at some hospital visiting someone, not really sure who, but I was with my mom. I got up to go to the bathroom and walked by an open curtain and saw this tuft of gray oily hair and a big bald spot.... It looked like Daddys hair... I walked around to get a look, it was him. Asleep. I shook him awake and he saw me and extended his arms to greet me. He had bandages on his back like after his spinal surgery or his battle with shingles, I couldn't tell. I was in disbelief, I just kept asking him how could this be how could this be. He said that Uncle Steve came to get him and bring him home, and so he did. Then I looked over and my uncle was in the bed right next to Daddy, but someone had moved their beds so they were touching, and uncle Steve was leaning on Daddys shoulder, passed out from all of that work.. getting up to Heaven and bringing him back... Then I just couldn't stop bugging and kissing my father, as I went up and down his arm with kisses, all of his scars and bruises that were present when he died were there, I can't believe I can remember where  all of his bruises were... Then I went into a panic to get ahold of my mom, but I didn't want to walk away from Daddy. I called her and told her to come quick I had a huge surprise, she said she had just gotten to her car to go and get us something to eat, she kept making excuses as to not come inside so I just yelled, Daddys Alive!!!!! Come quick!!!!

Then I woke up... :-/

Monday, January 6, 2014

Harry Potter

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have quite the obsession with Harry Potter.

Not only have I been attached to the books since elementary school, but the movies allow me to escape into magic whenever I desire... which is, a lot.

It's not just some nerdy, quirky, thing for me. Harry Potter is a true escape from this world. While my mom was sick, and then while my Daddy was sick, I literally would watch a different HP movie almost every night to fall asleep. It's comforting, it's relaxing, it allows me to dream and wonder while I otherwise could not.

I have always found it hard to sleep at night, but while Daddy fought so valiantly against kidney cancer, I found it even harder because I would lie there wondering what he was thinking about, what he was watching on Netflix, if his chemo had worked this round, if his side effects were too much to bare. Putting on a HP would envelope my psyche and all the thoughts with it and take me into the fantasy world... where there is no cancer, and even if there was, I'm sure there's a spell that Madam Pomphrey knows, or a potion she could whip up to make it go away... for good. The sense of escape and comfort does not exist in our reality, because evils like cancer do exist. I would rather face Lord Voldemort than face cancer ever again...

This all probably sounds ridiculous to you all, but it's true for me.

I cannot, literally cannot, wait to visit Harry Potter world at Universal Studios again.
What an adventure, guilt free, pain free, stress free, worry free.


Saturday, January 4, 2014

Haven't written in a while

The holidays weren't as hard as I thought they were going to be. That might sound awful, but let me explain. I thought we were going to be sitting around, holding back tears and not ever getting into the Christmas spirit. I was wrong, my husband, brother, mother and I all went above and beyond for our presents to one another. I have never had so much fun watching my mother open presents before. I got her a tablet computer like she has been asking for for almost a year, and tickets to a Christmas Tea, and an album of Ken and I's wedding. I enjoyed Christmas so much this year. Yes, I found a couple of nights that I couldn't sleep, that I found myself just sitting up and thinking of Daddy... But I just think of it as his way of comforting me. We used to always sit up together at night , I'd sit right next to his hospital bed in the living room, and we would find random things on Netflix to watch... Eventually you'd find something so uninteresting that you'd fall asleep. We would eat italian ice and just laugh at how awful some of the tv shows were. So me sitting up at night now, I know he is around, and just wants to spend some time with me. I did miss seeing him in his Bah Hum Bug shirt this year tho...

I literally think about him every single day.

I find myself still talking about him in the present tense.

I hope neither of those things will ever change. <3