Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Valentine's Day

Daddy never did much for Valentine's Day, maybe he would buy Momma her favorite chocolates, and sometimes even a new book. But as long as I knew him, he never went over the top for the holiday. Anyways, I decided it had been too long since I had gone to see him... then I realized I hadn't been to see him since Christmas... so I hadn't been there this year at all, what the hell is wrong with me. How could I possibly do that? I don't know, but I felt horrible. Ken and I got him a small balloon and some roses to stick into the snow, the snow that the church had not bothered to clear, and mine were the only footsteps in it... no one had been to the cemetary at all since the snow... how awful a thought. I climbed through the snow to Daddy's spot on the columbarium, and the wreath that someone (not sure who) had sent for Christmas was there, along with the bells and flowers we had brought for Christmas. All completely dead, all still there... what the heck. I vowed then and there that I would never let this much time go by ever again.

Then I realized if Ken and I get our way with what we want our future to look like at the end of this year, it would be even longer periods of time before I got to see Daddy... this thought makes my stomach churn. His spot in the columbarium doesn't even have his name on it yet (nameplates are only made and placed in the spring and summer time for whatever reason..dumb) and I'm the only person that had been to see him in 2 months time... who will come see him if I don't live here anymore? I can't think about that now, but I just had to write it out and get it out of my head for the time being.

It's been a rough couple of days over this, hopefully the week gets better.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I haven't been able to visit him lately... It is so hard to stare at the spot on the columbarium where I know his ashes (and a piece of Yankee stadium) are, when there is no marker. After the funeral and the wedding, we just didn't have to money to pay for the plaque with his name and days of birth and death. So I just stare at the gray marble... and talk to my Daddy.

He hasn't met Gibbs yet, but I know he would have loved him... such an energetic puppy, I wish Gibbs could have brought him some added happiness at the end of his life.

Just a lot that has been going on with my family and I, things at my mother's house aren't getting any better because my brother refuses to act on...well, anything. I have started to draw my lines with the situation, because let's face it... I'm married now, I might not have kids, but I'm married now. MY home should my first priority, I can't run two households, but my brother won't lift a finger.

Ken and I are planning to move into my grandfather's house in Florida as soon as possible. I know that my mother is absolutely terrified of being alone with Brian, but maybe this is just what they needed to finally force them into some kind of action to make their situation better for one another... I mean, they have to live together!!!

Other than that, not much has changed in these past months, there are still situations every day that I say, " I wish I could call Daddy and ask him/tell him about this." It is still every day that I start to dial his phone number to talk to him.. going from talking to someone 5 or more times a day, to never... let alone everything else that comes with a death. I am still in awe of others who have lived through this before me, in absolute awe.