Friday, August 2, 2013

I think he knows

I think Daddy know that he's reaching the end of his battle... The other day at the hospital as I was buttering his roll that came with lunch, he asked me, "have you thought about who's going to walk you down the aisle kiddo?" I didn't really think he was of the frame of mind to even think about it. But when I suggested having my Uncle Kevin push Daddy is in wheelchair down the aisle, Dads reaction was not good. He said he doesn't want to be on display, which is why he never want to sit outside in the front yard. He thinks everyone will just stare at him, he doesn't realize that even though people look at him with heavy hearts, they also admire him. He's a hero not only in my eyes, but to many others.

Today is his last day of radiation to the lesion on his cerebellum, you would think his mood would be better than it is. His mood is awful today, short, snippy, hasn't even looked me in the eye. But again, I think it's because he knows the cancer is winning. Not only has it spread to his brain, but with feeling lightheaded and throwing up blood and being in the hospital, getting all the different tests done, his body is starting to give up. His kidney is trying it's hardest, but is not up to par. He is retaining fluid in his legs and side that make him even more uncomfortable than ever. And he knows that since radiation finishes today, he will soon be discharged to a nursing facility... He hates it. I hate it even more. I don't want my Daddys last hours to be in a dingy dirty nursing home with awful room mates and crap food. He deserves to be home... With us. But since it hurts for him to stand and all of his other issues and insurance won't cover for a nurse to be at our house all the time... We don't have a choice.

I, a person who is healthy and runs and walks and eats whenever I want, feel helpless. I can't even begin to imagine how helpless Daddy feels...  I love being able to see him every day and tell him I love him, but cancer has made it so that every day, my heart breaks into too many pieces for me to pick up.


  1. Kathleen, I have suffered with incurable cancer metastasized to my liver for a number of years now. The doctors have told me I have about 18 months left at this point. I have had experimental radiation and SUTENT chemo.

    More importantly, I am a Dad with two daughters and a son. I have found the hardest part of my battle has been seeing the effects it has on those I love. Your Dad loves you...and it's hard to look children in the eye at times because of the pain you see. I want to protect my kids and tell them it's ok, but that gets hard at times.

    My faith in God has put me at peace with what cancer holds in store for me. Love your Dad the way you do, and look for forgiveness for those who haven't visited. They struggle too, in their own way, not being able to cope with seeing your Dad. Some people dont have that capability. Your Dad is in my prayers as are all who suffer.

    Keep telling your Dad how much you love him...I never grow tired of hearing that from those I love.

  2. Thank you for your post Ron, I am so glad to reach other cancer fighters. I will do just that! Prayers are being sent to you and your family, stay strong <3