Wednesday, September 18, 2013

No excuses

We are back in the hospital, and still people think it's okay to be petty and manipulative towards us about things that do not matter right now. Right now, what matters to us is making Daddy comfortable. Not who's pride is bruised today or not. Right now, we care whether or not Daddy's kidney is functioning enough to handle the fluids he needs to settle his spasms. We do not care who is not talking to who, or what anyone thinks about the decisions we have made. Right now, we are hurt by all of this because people are so ignorant, and that is me being nice---- i hope they're ignorant, because if they're not, then they are down right evil-----, while we are going through such a hard time. If people actually gave a damn, then they'd be here, or they'd check on us in some fashion. If you actually care about someone, you don't put unnecessary stress on someone when they are already at their breaking point because of cancer.


This past Saturday night, Daddy started to have some violent spasms in his head and neck and he could not control them, they became unbearable. I called 911, and they sent two EMTs... no offense to anyone who is in that line of work, but the ones around here are not big enough or strong enough to get my dad on a stretcher, and lift him down our stoop, and then up into the ambulance.... they're pretty out of shape actually... and I find that hypocritical in a way, you want to work to save peoples' lives, yet you don't take care of your own body? Anyways, they had to call in a firetruck full of guys to help them... Daddy is six and a half feet tall and almost 300 pounds... I told the dispatcher that... but anyways.

We got into a room in the ER... the same room we were in last time actually... and nurses got his spasms under control with fluids, which to me means that his electrolytes were out of whack, however, after being home his nutrition was impeccable, so something else must be off. His leg that has a filter in it for a pretty serious blood cot, is worse, both legs are so swollen, preventing him from supporting himself on his legs. He is now completely bedridden.... He is having trouble breathing and he has skin lesions (biopsied Friday but results werent back yet), so they admitted him to the hospital.

It is now Wednesday and nothing has gotten better.... his skin lesions are in fact the kidney cancer, his scans show that his cancer is in his fatty tissue, and it's running rampid all over his poor, tired body. We have been waiting for two days to move him to the big hospital in the city where his oncologist is, because there is not a bed available. The oncologists at our local town hospital refuse to treat him, so he is wasting away... He is uncomfortable and has issues breathing and he cannot get out of bed anymore. I am realizing that whichever way it goes, it sucks... cancer sucks. Either he keeps fighting and keeps suffering, or he passes and we are forced to live our lives without him. The man that has been in my life since I took my first breath, could leave my life at any minute ... it's scary as Hell, in fact, I am more scared of losing him than I am of facing the fires of Hell. I am. So, it's scarier than Hell. My mother will fall apart, she puts on a good game face, but she will fall... She will have to accept responsibilities that she is not comfortable accepting, and unfortunately, I am too used to accepting those responsibilities for her when I can, I make ways and force ways to make things easier on her, so this reality will hit her harder because of me doing that, which sucks too... But I won't be able to accept responsibilities for her anymore, I am starting my own family on black Friday when I marry the love of my life, I joined Americorps and my contract year starts the end of this month... I will no longer have the time in the day to do all that I have been doing for her.... and my brother does not have the emotional or physical capacity to pick up where I am leaving off for her, he just doesn't.

But no longer will all of that be hard, but it will be rough just waking up and not looking forward to seeing my Daddy that day... not worrying about him anymore.... not making him lunch and changing his wound dressings and watching him sleep. I will miss it all... I will miss the way he laughs at Rules of Engagement.... I will miss how when I wake up he starts singing the Miss America Pageant theme song, I will miss so many things... I don't want to miss these things... but I don't want him to stay in his earthly body any longer than he wants to... he's fought such a good fight, he deserves to die, he does. And his death will not be defeat, it will be the ultimate EFF YOU KIDNEY CANCER, he will finally win... yes, I said WIN, because this disease will no longer be defeating him each day, his body has chosen to say NO, you will not torture me any longer. He will find peace... he will walk right into Heaven, my grandma and grandpa and his cousin Ronnie will be there to greet him, and then he will hear my Nana.... :BullSHIT, what're you doing here?!" <3

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