Never Actually Concentrating

When your life is nothing but chaos and emotional craziness, being pulled in every direction by everyone, you are never actually concentrating on anything. I just took notes on three chapters worth of textbook material, but was thinking about how tired my dad looks and was listening to my little brother cook his lunch. I have no idea what I just took notes on because I was worrying about both of them. My brother will kill himself with food, he does nothing but sleep and eat, and he doesn't want to change because if he did he has had so many opportunities to do so. Every time I am at my parents house he is either sleeping, eating, or leaving. He never spends time here, has to be forced to help at all, I understand that this is his emotional reaction to everything but it has been over a year and all he has done is gotten closer to killing himself with food. He eats more calories and fat in a day than I do in 4 days. I can't help but worry when he steps into the kitchen. Then, Daddy is exhausted because he just finished a round of chemotherapy and it knocks him out. He has a week and a half more before he has to start the next round. He is still bruised from last months blood draws, his pain and stiffness gets worse every day. I haven't been able to actually calm down and have a rational thought in so long that I don't know if I can anymore. Autopilot is how I've gotten this far, it'll be a miracle if I make it through this semester. I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.


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The Same Old Thing

We've entered a rut. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I'd take a rut with Daddy still here over excitement with him gone any day. As if I don't already feel bad for him, I feel worse. I'm working now and have just started the hardest semester of my life, I barely get to see him... Sometimes I can't be there to make him lunch until almost two o'clock and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Being alone cannot be good for his depression, or his health in general. I know that he hates feeling like an inconvenience, but if I had my way I'd be with him all day long. I wish.. Now he does the same thing every day. Wake up, watch Netflix, fall back asleep, wake up, take chemo, eat cereal, watch Netflix, maybe go pee, check baseball message boards and newsfeeds, hopefully have me make him lunch, fall back asleep, wake up, maybe get up to go to the bathroom, go through agony to get up out of bed and to get back into it, get comfortable, fall back asleep, be woken up by mom coming home, get up to the kitchen for dinner, back to bed, and back to sleep... Then he wakes up multiple times a night and watches Netflix or reads... I'd go insane, I truly would... I have no idea how he does it, but witnessing it jades me. Watching him go through everything has really jaded me... There are certain feelings now that I just cannot possess, other ones I cannot handle, and many that I interpret completely differently now. I will never get that back, and my loved ones are hurting because of it. I can't be there for them like I should because I literally can't. Those emotions cannot exist in me. I am working towards a new normal, but this will be a long journey. For now, ill just struggle to be with Daddy as much as I can and accompany him through the same old things, while trying to treasure them.




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What a Weird Christmas

This morning, I woke up early and made my family a big breakfast spread of French toast and eggs and bacon. When my mom came down from waking up, she pulled me to the side and asked me for a favor. This favor was for me to take as many pictures as possible, I didn't question her, but she followed up by saying, "this could be our last one." I guess I hadn't been thinking of it that way, I had been focusing on the fact that Daddy was home and not in the hospital like last Christmas. That he can get out of bed now, where last Christmas he was bedridden. I had never let the thought enter my mind that Daddy might not make it to another Christmas...





After losing my Pa the day before Christmas Eve, my psyche couldn't handle even talking about it any further with my mom. However, as the day went on I started to think about it... She was completely right, I needed to cherish the moments in today as best I could. I think I did. We had a lot of fun opening gifts, Daddy had us all laughing as always. I kind of dont want to fall asleep now though, I don't want to ever have to look back on this day as the last Christmas with my Daddy....

Merry Christmas


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Lately it's Been Rough

A little over a week ago, my grandfather (Pa-88 years old), had a pretty major abdominal surgery. He only started waking up yesterday, we thought that was a good sign until today when his kidneys decided they didn't want to start working right again. We are all preparing for his passing any day now... This is especially hard on my mother and I hate watching her go through this. Her and I have mastered how to emotionally handle "preparing for the worst", because it is our daily reality with Daddy. But to have to do it for her father too... She's been having a rough go of it. She asked me, "how can I handle losing my father and maybe my husband all in the same year?"
I didn't and couldn't answer her. How could I? I love my Pa, but I know that he, unlike Daddy, has lived a long and eventful life. Yes, I'll be extremely saddened if he dies, but I will be able to cope with it very easily. That sounds terrible, but death has become as easy a thing for me to talk about as the weather, and I'm glad it has. I need to be able to handle whatever happens. So I know that I will shed tears for Pa, but most of my tears will be for Momma...




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