Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Never Actually Concentrating

When your life is nothing but chaos and emotional craziness, being pulled in every direction by everyone, you are never actually concentrating on anything. I just took notes on three chapters worth of textbook material, but was thinking about how tired my dad looks and was listening to my little brother cook his lunch. I have no idea what I just took notes on because I was worrying about both of them. My brother will kill himself with food, he does nothing but sleep and eat, and he doesn't want to change because if he did he has had so many opportunities to do so. Every time I am at my parents house he is either sleeping, eating, or leaving. He never spends time here, has to be forced to help at all, I understand that this is his emotional reaction to everything but it has been over a year and all he has done is gotten closer to killing himself with food. He eats more calories and fat in a day than I do in 4 days. I can't help but worry when he steps into the kitchen. Then, Daddy is exhausted because he just finished a round of chemotherapy and it knocks him out. He has a week and a half more before he has to start the next round. He is still bruised from last months blood draws, his pain and stiffness gets worse every day. I haven't been able to actually calm down and have a rational thought in so long that I don't know if I can anymore. Autopilot is how I've gotten this far, it'll be a miracle if I make it through this semester. I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.

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