Friday, January 11, 2013

The Same Old Thing

We've entered a rut. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I'd take a rut with Daddy still here over excitement with him gone any day. As if I don't already feel bad for him, I feel worse. I'm working now and have just started the hardest semester of my life, I barely get to see him... Sometimes I can't be there to make him lunch until almost two o'clock and I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Being alone cannot be good for his depression, or his health in general. I know that he hates feeling like an inconvenience, but if I had my way I'd be with him all day long. I wish.. Now he does the same thing every day. Wake up, watch Netflix, fall back asleep, wake up, take chemo, eat cereal, watch Netflix, maybe go pee, check baseball message boards and newsfeeds, hopefully have me make him lunch, fall back asleep, wake up, maybe get up to go to the bathroom, go through agony to get up out of bed and to get back into it, get comfortable, fall back asleep, be woken up by mom coming home, get up to the kitchen for dinner, back to bed, and back to sleep... Then he wakes up multiple times a night and watches Netflix or reads... I'd go insane, I truly would... I have no idea how he does it, but witnessing it jades me. Watching him go through everything has really jaded me... There are certain feelings now that I just cannot possess, other ones I cannot handle, and many that I interpret completely differently now. I will never get that back, and my loved ones are hurting because of it. I can't be there for them like I should because I literally can't. Those emotions cannot exist in me. I am working towards a new normal, but this will be a long journey. For now, ill just struggle to be with Daddy as much as I can and accompany him through the same old things, while trying to treasure them.

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