Taking its Toll...

This round of radiation has been very rough for Daddy... more taxing than any of the other rounds before this. Today was his last day and it was very hard getting him in and out of the house, the extensive heat today did not help at all either. He had to take more morphine than normal today because he was in such pain, but the morphine makes him so spacy and drowsy and he barely even talked to me or anyone else our entire visit. The end of radiation usually means you get to ring a bell in the lobby and everyone cheers for you shouting CODE SUNSHINE!!! Dad was not having it, he doesn't think that this round of radiation is really going to do anything for him and he wishes that he didn't have to do it at all. I just feel bad for him, he was obviously so exhausted and depressed and scared for what is to become of him now... his spine cannot be radiated anymore, so if the lesion that we just treated doesn't respond to the radiation, it will reach his already compromised spinal cord, it will paralyze more than he is now, or end his life. I know that Daddy does not have a lot of science or anatomy knowledge, and I actually feel blessed for it because his thoughts can't process like mine or my mother's... he doesn't know how bad we have it now... he doesn't know that if Sutent or the radiation fails this go round, we could be looking at the end sooner rather than later because his spine will not be able to handle it. Unfortunately, a part of me would be okay with that, it's hard enough just to watch him suffer day in and day out, I can't even imagine what it is like for him to actually experience it. Such a terrifying realization...