Monday, November 12, 2012

Such an Uncomfortable Realization

When I realized that my Daddy was okay with dying...

My parents have had some ups and downs with finances from even before Daddy was diagnosed, but definitely after. I had dinner the other night with my parents and Daddy swallowed his bite of food, looked at my mom and told her that she will need to refinance the house soon. She asked why? We are making ends meet with your social security checks. Daddy responded, "when I die, you will need to refinance the house so you can fix it up how you've always wanted to and to live comfortably while you finish out your 25 years until retirement." I was surprised that Momma wasn't surprised by this. I kept chewing my food so that words couldn't come out of my mouth and that my facial muscles were too busy to look upset by what Daddy had just said. He said it with such ease, and poise, I just couldn't believe he had really said that. They continued to talk about how refinancing works, like Daddy's death wasn't a prerequisite to all of these decisions happening. I wasn't hungry anymore, so I just started to clean up the dinner plates and putting away left overs. When my ears picked back in on the conversation they had changed subjects and moved on, thank God. I am happy that Daddy is accepting what is eventually going to happen because it will allow him to look forward to his days left instead of living them in fear of dying. But, at the same time the fact that he has come to terms with his death worries me because I don't want him to be giving up hope, he can't give up hope. Then, I look at Momma and how she handled it and I know she is just in denial for now and getting by day by day but... She needs to start taking care of herself too. Her hip hurts so much that she cannot walk, he was losing weight this time last year and that has completely reversed itself. She never sleeps enough, she never looks or sounds rested. I wish I had the money to send her to a spa, but I have yet to find work. I don't really want to work, I want to spend time with Daddy, but my parents can't keep lending me money, I have to get a job an lose my time with Daddy and that really upsets me...

On another note, I have convinced Momma to go to our local funeral home with me this next week. I finally convinced her, that in the end it'd be the easier thing to do. We need to just go, make all the decisions, and have it all set up in advance. So that when Daddy does die, we can just call the funeral home and they will know exactly what to do. I know that one of Daddy's wishes is to be cremated, and to have his ashes spread on a baseball field. He swears he doesn't care what field, it could be a rec field, but I know where he really wants to be, the Bronx. In my free time now, I plan out how the hell I am going to sneak his ashes into Yankee stadium, let alone get them onto the field. Thinking about this though, it helps. It helps me to come to terms with the fact that Daddy is going to die, and it will be soon. There is no chemotherapy cure for stage four kidney cancer. But I cannot think of what I will do after he is gone, I just can't.

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