Sunday, October 6, 2013

Tuesday Night

This past Tuesday night, Daddy woke up at like 10pm while my mother and brother were asleep in the hospital rooms extra chairs. He couldnt talk, well... He couldn't form sounds or words, but he was trying so hard to talk to me. I just kept talking to him, holding and kissing his hand, and trying to show him that I understood what he was saying. I nodded along to his forced facial expressions, once I swear I saw his lips form "love you", but he cohldnt actually talk to me... I was so happy to have his eyes open, let alone that he was alert enough to want to speak to me. His eyes were glazed over, but I could still see all the brilliant blue that was so familiar to me. I tried so hard to never let our eyes part gazes, as I just talked and talked for hours. I told him how much I loved him, and how much I was going to miss him. I told him that I would make sure that mom and my brother were taken care of, I'd make sure I took care of all the financials I could and I'd help around the house as much as my strength and schedule would let me. I told him I'd force my brother to take the GED, I told him I'd support my brother through anything he needed, I'd try so hard to be the best big sister I could be. I told him that he was the best father I had ever witnessed, that he never even came close to disappointing me, ever. I told him that I was so proud to be his little girl, that he had put up such a fight, that I will never meet another person to ever compare to his strength. And then I told him I loved him over and over and over, I was running out of things to say, it was almost 4am, and my dying and exhausted Daddy was still gripping my hand and trying to comfort me. I just kept talking, holding all my tears back, until I saw a tear come from his eye and his eyebrows started to shake and I couldn't control myself I started sobbing into his blankets at the side of the bed until I could compose myself enough to stand up, I wiped his tear and I kissed his forehead like I had every day for 22 months... And I whispered in his ear that it was okay to die, that he didn't have to fight anymore, he could go to Heaven and see grandma and grandpa and nana and pa and all his favorites from history, that he could watch the Yankees play good baseball for eternity... I told him that I was just so proud of what he had done, how happy I was that he fought for all this extra time with him that I shouldn't have had, that he had beaten all odds... I sat back down nd took his hand again, and he tried so hard to squeeze it but all he could do was move his thumb closer to mine. I watched his eyes shut, and I told him I loved him again, as I laid my head on his arm and blankets and fell asleep at his bedside. That was the last time I ever saw my Daddys eyes... His beautiful blue eyes.

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