Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The First Day As A Nurse

I never wanted to be a nurse, my Momma's a nurse. But here I am, awaking to Daddy needing my assistance. I'm officially his nurse. Filling weekly pill bottles, washing him up, making him breakfast and lunch, and being bedside as much as I can. Watching TV and playing board games on his lap, unless it's a good day and he can sit up in the kitchen. I try to keep his meals a mixed variety, while keeping it soft enough for his chemo sore ridden mouth to handle. I remember trying really hard to pick shows we could watch that don't have to deal with sickness, cancer, or death. I had no idea how hard that was actually to do. Daddy seemed in good spirits though, he slept half the day away, which allowed me to do some homework. If I couldn't focus on homework anymore, I'd do some housework to lessen my mother's stressors.

When he woke from his nap, I made him a snack of a protein smoothie, raspberry his favorite. We watched some Bones and some Saved by the Bell, then it was time for me to go to my apartment and sleep in my own bed. I did not want to leave. With every cell in my body, I wanted to stay with him and keep him distracted forever. I never wanted him to dwell on his cancer, never wanted him to get as depressed as he was in that Hell hole of a nursing home. But I had to leave, I fluffed his pillow and made sure he had a urinal and a drink and another snack just in case he needed it before Momma got home to make him dinner. Gave him a kiss on his bald spot, told him I loved him and left. I never turn around and wave, because by the time my feet hit the sidewalk, my face is covered in tears and my eyes are red. I can't let him see that, I have to be strong for him. I take the long way home so that I don't have to pay a $6 toll and I had to pull over a few times because my crying was becoming an anxiety attack, but I made it home... To Ken, my rock. I text Daddy that I love him, "smiles!!... Love you too!"

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