I don't know

I don't know how I'm ever going to be truly "okay" again, when everything I see and do makes me think of my Daddy. Literally, everything. My brother the other day brought home Daddy's favorite donuts and it wasn't until he got home that he remembered he isn't here anymore, just habit I guess but wow... I feel like no matter how much time goes by, I'm really never going to be okay with any of this.

Its' not okay that the doctors didn't find the cancer until it was too late, when now we know his previous signs should have been further investigated.

It's not okay that the first surgeons said surgery was impossible.

It's not okay that Daddy had to endure all of that pain, what did he ever do to deserve that?

It's not okay that my mom is left alone to deal with never ending bills and heartache from my brother.

It's not okay that my father didn't get to see me on my wedding day.

None of this is okay.

None of it, so how can I ever be at peace with it all?


I just can't comprehend how the past almost 4 months have even happened, like, what were we even doing? I must have an autopilot switch that I know nothing about. I honestly just can't understand what I;m supposed to do, when everywhere I turn is a reminder. I don't try to think about him, I just do, it cannot be stopped.

I can only pray that my future will be easier, because I really don't think I could handle anymore heartbreak. I don't think my mother or brother could either.

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, it's from one of my favorite bands from growing up, the Ataris.
This song is just so perfect, The Hero Dies in This One.

As I leave here today, apartment 108
I'll always keep you in my heart.
Anderson is cold tonight,
The leaves are scattered on the ground.
I miss the seasons,
And the comfort of your smile.

Sometimes this all feels like a dream.
I'm waiting for someone to just wake me up,
From this life.

As I look out at these fairgrounds,
I remember how our family split apart.
I don't think I ever told you,
But I know you always did your best.
And the hard times,
They only made us stronger.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you, 
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

Do you ever feel like crying?
Do you ever feel like giving up?
I raise my hands up towards the sky,
I say this prayer for you tonight,
Because nothing is impossible.

As I sit here all alone,
I wonder how I'm suppose to carry on when you're gone.
I'll never be the same without you, 
I love you more then you will ever know.
So maybe now you finally know.
Sometimes we're helpless and alone,
But you can let it keep you weighted down.
You must go on.

(The hardest part isn't finding what we need to be, it's being content with who we are.)

Stay who you are.
You must go on.
Stay who you are. [x4]

It's so hard to stay true to myself, when half of who made me isn't on this earth any longer.

The last day of my honeymoon is the 27th of this month, it will mark 4 months since he has been gone, it just leaves me at a loss for words for the emotions I experience each day.

"So maybe now you finally know"