Radiation Round 4

Last week we met with a new radiation oncologist, we didn't really know what he was going to say because we hadn't heard from our regular oncologist regarding an MRI Daddy had a few weeks ago... Not exactly a nice feeling being left in the dark. Uncertainty is the silent worry that everyone fails to warn cancer patients and their families about. This doctor and his resident told us that they saw a mass, a tumor, on Daddy's back left side of ribs that was growing towards his spinal cord... His half steel and severely compromised spinal cord.... They thought it was most likely the cause of a lot of his new pain but there is no real way to tell or know for sure. However, it needed to be treated with radiation regardless because its growth needed to be stopped or his spinal cord would be in severe danger and it could be the end of Daddy's already on borrowed time life. Daddy is angry that the doctors can't figure out why he is in so much new pain and even angrier at the fact that he is going through another round of agonizing radiation for a maybe fix... I try to reassure him that it is a needed treatment to help extend his life, but I don't think he cares so much about that fact anymore... I would really be in shock and awe if he made it to my wedding this Thanksgiving... No matter how much I'd like him to be there, I can't get my hopes up.




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Pitiful and he knows it

I just got Daddy washed up, changed, and back into bed. He is completely pitiful now and worst of all, he knows it. I can see on his face that he is humiliated by the fact that I have to help clean him up because he can't do it himself. His shingles spot on his back bleeds through it's bandages every day, he has two huge bruises on his abdomen from where he has been giving himself blood thinner injections... He's a mess. My dad used to be so prideful and I always saw him as indestructible, now he just lets me wash him up, and change him, and I help him lift his legs back into bed, but in my eyes he is still just as indestructible as ever.

It's been a while

It's been quite a while since I've even thought to post, crazy last semester of undergrad, wedding planning, madness!

Daddy is worse than ever unfortunately, in so much pain, can barely make it to the bathroom without full out crying, it's miserable and I hate it! I hate every second of it. We have an MRI this week to try to figure out his pain, but no doctor has been able to help him yet.

This whole ordeal makes getting excited for the wedding very hard... It's all bittersweet, I have to have a "with dad" and "without dad" game plan. It's horrible, I feel terrible even doing it, but I don't have a choice...

With dad, I won't be able to enjoy myself because I'll be worried about him the whole time, and mom will be nurse the whole time, a lot of my family acts like they have to be G rated around him and it's makes us all feel uncomfortable.

Without dad, I won't be able to enjoy myself because I'll be thinking about him the whole time, mom will be alone, everything will suck.

So yay wedding!
:-/

Officially